


Who are you wearing?

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, Gay Panic, Humanstuck, Humor, John is oblivious, M/M, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Pining, Pre-Relationship, Water is wet, background rosemary cause i like setting feminism back by 50 yrs, dirk is thirsty, i dont even like hs anymore im just posting this outta dedication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-02 02:30:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19190125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Dirk and John help Kanaya out with a fashion project. That's it.





	Who are you wearing?

**Author's Note:**

> html is such a pain in the ass this is why im never writing another hs fic ever again

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT] at 17:52

 

GA: Dirk I Need Your Assistance With Something

  
GA: Fashion Studies-Wise

 

TT: And I’m assuming Rose’s becoming yet powerful feminine presence isn’t inspiration enough?

 

GA: Her Becoming Yet Powerful Feminine Presence Is Exactly The Problem

 

GA: Its A Menswear Project This Time

 

GA: And Before You Go On The Same Tangent That Rose Did

  
GA: I Consulted My Professor And I Cannot Be Bold And Subversive By Putting A Suit On My Buxom Girlfriend

 

GA: So Here I Am

 

TT: Wow.

 

TT: Why me, though? I’m sure you know a bunch of other dudes much more suitable for the job.

 

GA: Exactly

 

GA: I Decided To Challenge Myself And Make Two Of The Most Unfashionable Dweebs I Know Become The Platonic Ideal Of Style And Grace

 

TT: There’s something so additionally ruthless to getting insulted in third grade playground vernacular. You’re stone cold.

 

GA: So Youll Do It

 

TT: Absolutely. When do I come over for measuring or rituals or whatever it is you Fashion majors do?

 

GA: Wheres The Fun In Having All The Answers

 

GA: Tomorrow At Seven Pm Sharp  
  
GA: Be There Or Be Complicit In Me Failing This Class

 

TT: Stone cold, I’m telling ya.

TT: See ya then, Maryam.

 

GA: Likewise

 

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has stopped trolling timaeusTestified [TT] at 18:03

 

You shove your phone under your pillow and settle down for the evening, limiting your internet activity to updating your schedule and Spotify. Eventually, you fall asleep, dreaming of the sick threads you’’ll be donning when you wake up.

 

-

 

The following day goes by like any other. The only thing different is that on this particular day, your scrawny ass will be modelling for one Kanaya Maryam, also known as your little sister’s girlfriend and the least pretentious Fashion major.

 

It’s 6:57 PM, you have a head full of empty, a to-do list full of checkmarks, and headphones full of Fashionista by Jimmy James. It seems only appropriate.

 

Making your way to Dorm 825, you get a Pesterchum notification from a chumhandle unfamiliar to you.

 

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering timaeusTestified[TT] at 19:01

 

EB: hi!! um, kanaya gave me your handle since we’re both doing this thing for her. do you... know where her dorm is?

  
EB: it’s john btw! dave’s friend.

 

John [middle name pending] Egbert. You met him when you and Roxy hosted that little get-together to welcome your siblings to their residence for the next four years. Dave introduced you two, you showed him around your dorm, he referred to your authentic Edo period  _ kakute  _ as, quote, “little kitty-cat guys”, and you’ve been head-over-heels for the disrespectful buffoon ever since.

  
  


You still haven’t replied, though.

 

TT: Hey.

 

TT: Kanaya didn’t tell me you’re in on this as well. It’s gonna be cool to see you again.

 

TT: Anyway, let me send you the directions.

 

You lend him your masterful navigation skills and sooner or later, you’re both met with the trademark Maryam-Lalonde trail of forty different Yankee candle scents and the faintest sound of the old movie soundtracks Kanaya plays when she’s at work.

 

“Hi, Dirk!” John greets you across the hall, excitable as ever. He is taller than you by a couple inches, though by no means towering over you, and dressed comfortably as always, likely not needing Kanaya’s instruction to do so for today (the same can’t be said about you). His slightly overgrown locks of dark chestnut hair seem recently washed and uncharacteristically tidy, and you’ve seen him around campus and when visiting Dave enough times to come to that conclusion. With both his glasses and grin lopsided, his trademark goofy and lovable disposition seems particularly on display today.

 

“Yo,” you briefly respond, like the coolguy you are, “you ready to get this show on the road? We’re already three years late by Kanaya’s standards.”

 

“Haha, yeah… I feel kinda bad for running late like that, actually. Let’s go!” He grabs you by the wrist (hell yeah) and borderline just makes a run for it.

 

The door to Dorm 825 was already open, and it only took one and a half knocks before Kanaya sprang to her feet and graciously invited the two of you in.

 

“To what am I owed the honor of your presence?” She deadpans, only half-bitter that you are decidedly late. As per usual, she is dressed to the fucking nines, simple black long-sleeved shirt under a reasonably baggy graphic tee neatly tucked into her favorite scarlet ankle-length skirt. Her makeup spotless, not a strand of tightly curled hair out of place, you’d almost doubt it was the same person who cry-laughed at a Youtube poop several nights prior.

 

“Come in, come in. Make yourselves at home, et cetera… Would you like anything to eat or drink? I believe I have some refreshments stashed away, I might-”

 

“Kanaya, it’s fine!!” John interrupts her tangent, “We came over to help you out, no need to fuss over us.”

 

“That might be a good idea. Truth be told, I’ve spent pretty much all month meeting with various businesspeople and whathaveyou, and it’s honestly  _ such a fucking drag.  _ It’s nice to have less pretentious company,” she shoots you a smug look, “or at the very least the kind that is somewhat endearing.” 

 

You dramatically scoff, sending Kanaya and John into a fit of giggles.

 

“Come now, sit down, you two. I want to tell you more about this assignment I’m doing.”

 

You comply, taking a seat on Rose’s swivel chair. Kanaya then briefs you and John on her assignment.

In short, she’s supposed to design two separate ensembles of men’s formalwear. One with a focus on technical precision, where she has to make sure all the measurements are accurate and no stitch is out of line. The other was to expand upon the considerably stale lineup of mainstream formal menswear. You were chosen as the designated mannequin of the latter assignment, Kanaya explaining you are, quote, “far too slippery for her to be any kind of precise”, whatever that means. Not like you’re complaining, though. You’re always more than happy to assist in pushing the envelope of shit people take too seriously.

 

“Alright, then! Dirk, would you be so kind as to step on the Measuring Platform™?” Said platform was indeed the remains of a failed Ikea project, but shit, who are you to question trademarked material? You comply gracefully.

 

“Alright, now spread your arms in a horizontal position.”   
  
“Are you askin’ me to tpo-”   
  
“Yes, I am asking you to tpose.”

 

You tpose. You can hear faint chuckling at your shenanigans over to your side.

 

“Hmm. It really wasn’t the best idea to wear a hoodie for this. Would you take it off? I don’t think I can get accurate measurements otherwise.”

 

You pause for a moment. Okay, what Kanaya’s asking of you is fairly reasonable, she needs her measurements and all. However.  _ However.  _ You aren’t wearing anything under this hoodie. You don’t know Kanaya that well, but you get along well enough and thus, she isn’t the issue here. Not to mention that she’s a lesbian.  **_However._ ** John is also present. And while hypothetically you wouldn’t have an issue showing off your slightly malnourished hotbod to just about any guy you fancy, there is still an inexplicable sense of dread in actually doing so.

 

You silently take it off, your torso bare, and, in an alternate universe where you’re a sex icon, rippling and irresistible. 

 

“Try to contain your lust.”, you say to no one in particular.

 

“Oh, fuck off.”, John retorts playfully, ‘cause God knows that guy has a fuse the length of the Mississippi. Nothing hotter than a guy who can handle your bullshit.

 

The rest of the afternoon goes by uneventfully, to say the least. Unfortunately, you don’t catch a glimpse of John’s bosom, but you do have some outstanding banter, and leave feeling just the right amount of mirth. John offers to walk with you to your dorms, says it’s on the way for him. Hell. Fucking. Yeah.

 

You talk on the way, even brush hands accidentally a handful of times, you’ve read fanfics.

 

Your journey, however, has to come to a close, seeing as you’re standing right in front of dorm 420 (you swear to god you got it accidentally). John turns to you.

 

“So, uhm. I’ve had a lot of fun today! It’ll be really cool to see what Kanaya will make… We don’t hang out often, which sucks. I’m… kinda glad we got this opportunity to change that!”

 

Oh fuck, you aren’t used to such open communication.

 

Oh  **_fuck,_ ** you gotta respond.

 

“Uhmmm, yeah dude. Same here. You’re…. dope.” Pathetic excuse of a response, but it’s not like you can retcon it out of existence now. Either way, he’s looking at you with that dopey grin of his and somewhere deep within your heart, you can tell he doesn’t care about the stupid shit you say sometimes, that, if anything, makes the time he spends with you all the more memorable. You feel an abrupt surge of confidence, and in that moment, you muster three simple words that could very well set a row of dominoes falling to the moment you two will exchange your vows:

 

“Wanna come inside?”

 

John thinks for a split second, then reverts to his usual lovable mug as if he didn’t just make the face of a man with the weight of the universe on his shoulders (what’s up with that, anyway?).

 

“Sure, dude. I just hope you got some food in there, I’m starving!” he giggles. You beckon him inside your dorm, and spend the rest of the evening sharing leftover pizza and losing your marbles over crappy soap operas you pirated on your PC for exactly these kinds of situations. 

 

Night falls, and the campus begins to enter a deep, Nyquil-infused slumber. John yawns, and you follow suit. He then poses a question that you swear to god almost made you pop an artery:   
  
“You mind if I crash here? Don’t really feel like walking back… and it’s probably scary as hell outside, all dark and dreary, haha….” shit, he’s already falling asleep. You seem to have no choice, not that you we’re gonna object anyway, let’s be real, so you put away your beat-up PC, let John get all nice and comfy in your couch? bed? thing and call it a night.

 

You settle for sleeping on the floor, at the bedside of your frankenstein of an IKEA investment. You dream of nothing that night.

  
  
  


…

  
  
  


Kanaya plops next to her girlfriend in their disgustingly cramped shared bed.

 

“Had fun with the boys today, Kan?”

 

“Hrrrrrnnghh…” Kanaya curls up closer to Rose’s chest, softly nuzzling her jaw.

 

“I see, I see. I take it they didn’t give you too much trouble? For all your exhaustion, you seem content.”

 

“Mmrph..” she barely forms sound as she rubs her legs together contently.

 

“Mm, thought so. Well, we both have a long day ahead of us. How about we hit the hay?” gingerly, Rose turns off the desk lamp over Kanaya’s head, then rests her arm on her side.

 

“Mmm…” before Kanaya goes completely unconscious, Rose slips a quick farewell to her girl:   
  
“Night, baby.”

 

“Nn… G’night, Rose…”

**Author's Note:**

> BOY was the 10 year anniversary disappointing!
> 
> Either way, here's my entry in the New Beginnings Big Bang 2019! Despite everything, I am very happy to have been a part of this event, my teammates are all awfully talented artists and it was a pleasure working with them.
> 
> That being said, I hope you enjoyed the one (1) Homestuck fic that you'll see on this account!! thanks for readin B33


End file.
